Just Pick Yourself Up And Carry On...

The Truth About My Postnatal Depression

They tell you to get on with it. They tell you to carry on. They tell you to keep your chin up... but how easy is it to actually do that?

How Does Postnatal Depression Affect Me?

I struggle daily with EVERY aspect of my life. Being a new mum. A single mum. With a life threatening illness. A very small support network (for which I am ever grateful) Every service you can think of being involved with Ellysia and I. I feel like shit every day. The tidying up builds up. The washing builds up. The washing up builds up. Because my mind tires me out so much I just don't have the energy to do these things every day.

  

It’s so tough. I can’t cope. I don't feel like  cope. I cry EVERY DAY. I wish things in my life had been different, I wish some things were different now. But I push through it. People tell me I’m strong. I'm not strong. I’m just doing things because they need doing. I have no choice.

On top of all of that, my head tells me one thing, my heart tells me another and I get so confused about how I actually feel and how I’m being told to feel. It’s so so tiring. All I want to do is sleep. But I can’t.

A Day In The Life Of Me

This is what happened to me on what I can honestly say, was the worst day I've had since Ellysia-Jess was born...

I felt so guilty. I went to bed at 4am Thursday morning, I just couldn't sleep because I had so much going through my head. Myself and Ellysia-Jess were in bed all day. From the moment she woke up. The lady from mental health knocked on my door. I’d forgotten I had an appointment with her... the house was a mess. I was a mess. Ellysia was up in my bed wide awake, crying. I brought here down, (It would have looked bad if I left her, wouldn’t it?) I didn’t even speak to the lady. Apart from a few words here and there. Watched my friends live video (2 of them actually) while she was here. I was so rude to her. I didn’t even care. I just sat crying. Every time she asked a question. I gave the answer ‘I don’t know.’ I did know. Of course I knew. I just didn’t want her here. I didn’t want to talk about my emotions and feelings today. Anyway. She left. (Finally!) I went back up to bed. And there I stayed. Until gone 8pm. Hadn’t slept. Just lay there. I spoke to two friends all day. One was supposed to be coming to see me. He bailed on me. The other is from the other side of the world so can’t do much but talk to me (which does help a little) I didn’t know what is wrong with me, but I’d never felt this low before...

That was one day, the worst day, I never want to feel like that again. I felt like such a horrible person and a horrible mother... I had so much to do but I couldn't be bothered... I did the minimum, only the things that were 100% necessary. 

So, What Do Us Mummies (And Some Daddies) Want To Say To You?

 If you send me a message and I don’t reply. Don’t keep messaging me. I’ll reply in my own time. Don’t assume it’s you. It’s probably not.

If you ask if I wanna meet up and I say no. Don’t be offended. Don’t assume it’s you. It’s probably not.

If you call me and I sound angry or upset. Don’t assume it’s you. It’s probably not.

If you come over and I don’t talk or I am moody. Don’t assume it’s you. It’s probably not.

If you try to help me and I don’t seem to accept the help. Don’t assume it’s you. It’s probably not.

We barely have the energy to do simple, daily tasks.

Don’t get mad at us. It’s the last thing we need. Please let us have the space. We will contact you when we're ready. By all means message us. But don’t expect a reply instantly. By all means invite us to do something. But don’t expect us to say yes.

Postnatal Depression has a firm hold of me, I can’t shake off the grip that it has and it’s awful. I’ll get there eventually but everything takes time, right?

 K💖