When Mental Health Comes Creeping Back...

In December 2018 I was discharged from the local Adult Mental Health Team. All was going well, I had started to feel so much better. I was glad to be able to get back to a relatively normal life (as normal as you can get with a one year old anyway!)

It didn't last long... In February it started again... I started to have less and less motivation for things, baby groups, heading out for a walk, trips to the park... Not too seriously, I could force myself to do things, but I really didn't want to!

March came, the 7th to be exact... This turned out to be one of the worst days I can remember... The worst day for me this year... I've had some pretty bad days, because of lots of different things... But this one just tipped me that little bit too far...

I remember it like it was yesterday... just after 9pm, I was watching the telly with Gary... I got a WhatsApp message from one of my best friends... She has CF too... The message simply read 

"Kelly?"

I thought she was going to tell me something about unicorns, or Disney, or something daft her Dad had done again... That's what it normally was...

Our friend Lewis, had been in Royal Papworth for a few weeks, coming up a month... He'd caught flu and it made him very poorly. We were all hoping, wishing praying that he was going to be ok, and then we hadn't heard anything for a little while, I figured he was taking time away from social media to concentrate on getting better. After all, Mummy Sam was posting updates every now and again.

My phone pinged again, and Jenni's next message absolutely broke my heart.

"Lewis has passed away"

I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do... I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks so I got up and left the room. I went and sat on my bed and just cried. I didn't tell Gary, I just had my time to let out the emotion and I went back, and sat in silence...

Over the next few weeks I realised that losing one of my closest hospital friends was having more of an impact on me than I was letting myself believe. Everything seemed such a problem, I was getting more and more angry and agitated about things that didn't warrant getting angry. I went to a doctors appointment (for something completely separate) and I just broke down. I couldn't pretend I was ok anymore. She told me it was completely normal. I hadn't just lost a friend, to such a cruel illness. I have that illness and she told me it was probably the reality of the illness hitting me. 

One day that is going to happen to me, and I'm going to leave behind my children, nieces, nephews, friends and other family. It happens to everyone, and no one knows when that day will come, but you know what makes it worse for me?

Lewis was 21. Him and his partner, Chris, were due to marry. They had a holiday booked this year. They had their little pup. They wanted to start a family... Lewis had his whole life ahead of him, and that was ripped away from him in such a short space of time, and all because he had caught Flu.

Complications from such simple and every day illnesses, take the lives of people that don't deserve it. Yet some people don't see that...

"You'll be fine, I've only got a cough"

"It's just a little cough, stop moaning about it"

"We all get ill, coughs and colds are normal"

Yes. YOU will be fine, and the majority of the time, I will be too. But just think next time your ill, and are supposed to be seeing me. Cancel. Cystic Fibrosis and complications from simple illnesses can be fatal.

I am due to be seen by the Mental Health Team again soon. They are reviewing my medications and are referring me for some talking therapies. I am really anxious about starting that, but I know that if I don't, it wont just be me that suffers. I'm putting a burden on my partner, and that's not fair. I also have to think about the safety and welfare of my daughter. She doesn't deserve to suffer just because I am.

Don't be ashamed of feeling the way you do. It's not your fault. It is no ones fault. Some things just set you off and that's it. My trigger this time wasn't a very nice one. And in no way do I blame my mental health on what happened. I just couldn't process it at the time and let my feelings and emotions get the better of me.

If you feel like you are suffering with any type of mental health, or you know someone that is

GET HELP.

Thank you all so much for supporting me on this journey.

Lots of Love, K

An Open Letter To My Partner...

Gary,

The only thing I need to say to you, is THANK YOU. Thank you for everything you do. For me and for E. We appreciate every single hour you work, every single meal you cook, every single cuddle and kiss you give us. And every single minute of your time that you give to us.

Some people may wonder why I am writing this letter to you, publicly... This letter will explain to each and every person reading it, why you deserve a public thank you...

When we first met, you knew nothing about me, my daughter, my health or anything else that was happening or had happened in our lives. We talked, and got to know each other a bit more each time, we spent a lot of time together and decided that, yes, we did want a relationship together. You learned more and more about my illness everyday. And more about the situation I was in with E.

Over time, you have learned what my life is like, how having a 1 year old and a hereditary, life long illness affects me day to day. It's hard, so much of a struggle some days that I cannot cope. I am not ashamed to admit that I struggle. But since you came into our lives, you have helped me no end.

You have not only helped me, but you have been the most amazing father figure to E. You have stepped up, when you didn't have to. E has grown to love you like a father. And that's because of the way you treat her. You have not been afraid to show her right from wrong, you have always held her and cuddled her when she is poorly, and most of all, you have treated her as one of your own from day one.

Not many women can say they have found a man that is everything, and when I say everything, I mean, everything. But I can. Gary, You have been my rock, and every day you show me more and more how much we mean to you.

It takes a strong man to love a woman, with multiple health conditions, lots of hospital stays, and a 1 year old, and not moan about it. You, as with everybody else, have your own life to deal with, your own business to run, and yet you have still taken all of this on, you have still decided of  your own back to father and love a child that is not yours. You deal with my moaning, and moodiness when I am ill, and you probably get annoyed (I'm sorry...) but you just get on with it.

And for all of that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for choosing to loves us. You mean the world to me, and most importantly, you mean the world to your daughter. We love you more than words can describe and we will never stop.

Lots of Love baby, from K, and from your beautiful baby girl xxxx

If you have a partner that has been as amazing as mine has, let me know in the comments, I want to hear lots of positive stories about relationships, and how well your partners have dealt with you having an illness, or how they have coped with taking on your children!!

Love K💖

Why Don’t They Understand?

Why don’t people understand? Will they ever understand?

The answers are simple. No. No one will ever understand what you are going through. Not if they read everything about your illness, not if they are a doctor, not if they are your best friend and not if they are your family. Not even if they have the same illness. They can try. But they won’t.

Every single person is effected differently by illnesses, the treatments and the management of it. Some will recover quicker. Some will be allergic to something that works amazingly for you. It all comes down to the individual that it is effecting.

Some people are sympathetic towards what you are going through, and that’s great. Some people aren’t. And that’s fine too. The sympathetic ones are the people that feel sorry for you. But even if you are sympathetic it doesn’t mean that you understand... to understand you need to be empathetic... Empathy is the biggest thing in what I’m trying to say. Some people have no sympathy and no empathy. That’s great. You are the only person that it will or will not bother. But don’t come at me having a go when I put my own health before you. Yes, if you are a part of my life then you’re life is important to me, but no, I will not put anyone before myself unless it is my children. My health and my children come before you. I’m all for helping people, but not before I’ve helped myself. If that sounds selfish then let it. The most important person in my life is me and my children.

If you show sympathy, than thank you for showing that you care, but I’d like to see more people showing empathy. Show me that you are at least trying to understand. Don’t sit there and belittle me for something I can not control, but am trying to manage and maintain.

With an illness like Cystic Fibrosis, you sometime have to be selfish. And if that’s a problem to other people, then they’re not worth your time!

Love K💖

I'm Proud Of You!

Children do and learn some amazing things in their first years. They are learning and discovering new things, every second, of every day!

Things that we might not think anything of... things we use in everyday life...

Today E made me proud, she was refusing to eat her dinner when we went out for lunch... until a fork was within her reach! She picked that thing up like she knew exactly what it was and started using it like she'd been using one for years!! Now she must have learnt it from us, but we didn't teach her!!

Children will make you proud every damn day, even by doing the smallest of things! Make a big thing of it when they learn something new, they only learn it once!! It amazes me how quickly and easily children pick things up... It'd take me 2 hours to put something together, and that's when I have the instructions in front of me!

Life skills are learnt every day, whether you notice it or not, they are keenly watching your every move and then they practice, practice, practice until they perfect it... They then spend the next 2 weeks showing off and doing it all the time!

A Quote From Lev S. Vygotsky:

'What a child can do today with assistance, she will be able to do by herself tomorrow'

All my love

K💖

Review: Summer Infant Sit 'N Style Booster Seat

Dinner time has never been easy in our house. We have a highchair but its far too big for my tiny front room. A family member bought us the Summer Infant Sit 'N Style Booster Seat. It looked to me as though it was more for travelling and being out and about, but I thought I'd try it at home. Wow. Dinner times, well, any meal time is now so easy and E isn't right in the way of everything!! As you can see from the picture below, E is so happy when she's using the booster!

The Sit 'N Style is so handy because it folds away quite flat, so is easy to store, it has a tray, which you don't even have to use if you just need a seat for baby. There is storage space inside the underneath of the seat when the tray is down, which is handy for wipes, spoons, even a pouch of food! It has lap straps for if you have an escape artist! The whole thing is plastic so is very very easy to wipe clean! And one of my favourite things is the fact that you can strap the booster to almost any chair so baby can always eat at the table with you!!

This booster is available from many places, at a price of around £20. It can be used from around 6 months (when baby is sitting unaided) right up to when they are a toddler! E is currently 1 year old and still fits in it comfortably. Now she is getting around a little more I am looking at getting the Pop 'N Sit booster so she can use it as a reading chair and things as well!

A few of the places you can purchase  it from are:

1. https://www.dunelm.com

2. https://www.argos.co.uk

3. https://www.amazon.co.uk

To see the complete range of products that Summer Infant have offer please view the website below:
https://summerinfant.co.uk/

Please let me know in the comments section if you have used any other products in the Summer Infant range and how you find them!

All my love, K💖

I'm Not Ok... But I Think That's Ok...

Do you ever just feel not ok?

Like, every little thing in your day winds you up, or upsets you or makes you angry?

Today is one of those days for me...... I woke up this morning and I just knew... I knew today was going to be one of my 'bad days'

Nothing went wrong as such, E just kept screaming and crying, whinging constantly, she followed me everywhere, tried climbing on me every time I sat down. Eventually it got to lunch time. Cheese toasties... While I made these E got her fingers trapped in a cupboard door. Let the screaming commence. Thankfully she was ok, may just be a little bruising... But I got mad at her, she couldn't help it, she was in pain and wanted comforting... But it made me angry and I shouted at her, after all, if she'd listened to me and stay out of the kitchen she wouldn't have gotten hurt in the first place...

She's finally gone down for a nap, and I am sat here, with the front door locked, not looking at my phone, catching up on the soaps, writing this blog, with tears in my eyes. Angry at myself for getting mad at E, wondering why the hell I am feeling like this, and trying to figure out what has triggered this 'bad day'

I think we sometimes we just have days that aren't ok, the less than perfect days are the ones I hate the most, the less than perfect days are the days that get me down, but most importantly, the less than perfect days are the ones we learn from...

We learn where we could have done something slightly different, or changed the way we handled something... They're so hard to deal with and to cope with, but we need the less than perfect days, we need them just as much as the good days.

I suffer with Postnatal Depression, and although some may not see it, every day is a struggle, you may look completely happy on the outside, but the emotions you are feeling and the thoughts that are constantly running through your head are hard to deal with. You'll put on a brave face and then break down when you're alone, with no one to ask questions...

If you feel like you or someone you know may have PND or any other form of depression and anxiety, please get help, or talk to someone about it. I never wanted to admit that I needed help, but when I finally did, I was grateful for all of the professional support I received...

It's Ok

 Not To Be Ok...

Love K💖

What Does It Feel Like To Be Alone?

So today I realized what the word ALONE truly meant.

I thought I had a good support network. Small. But good. My sister, A couple of friends. And then recently, my new neighbour and best friend, and a girl I know from the hospital. Today I was told that because of the way my mental health has been, they wanted me to stay in hospital for a few extra days. That was Ok with me. But not with my sister, who has been looking after E. And not with my friend either.

So anyway, my whole support network has basically turned against me because of my physical and mental health. I need to get better and my consultant wants me to stay that extra few days, so I'm going to do it. That comes before anything else at the moment. 

I have two friends at the moment, my neighbour, who has also become my best friend, and a girl I know from the hospital. They have been there for me today, more than anyone else, they understand, they understand my Cystic Fibrosis and they understand my postnatal depression. Unlike those I thought were closest to me. I have tried to tell them how I really feel and it's like they don't believe me.

My so called 'support network' isn't like they said. The said they would be there to help me but when it comes to actually helping...

Well...

It seems like my mental health is such an inconvenience to them.

Being alone isn't just a physical thing... I am alone in my mind...
Just me, myself and my thoughts...

And sometimes that isn't such a great thing

This was just a short blog post to vent how I feel. But if you ever feel alone, just remember...
In the words of Dr Suess:

"Be who you are,
And say what you feel,
Because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind."

Lots Of Love,
K